May 30, 2023
Written by Brad Kraay
Ah, consultants – those elusive creatures who seem to possess all the answers and wear suits as their armor. With their jargon-laden conversations and ever-present briefcases, they’ve become a fascinating species in the business world. In this lighthearted analysis, we’ll take a humorous dive into the quirks and quips of consultants, shedding light on their peculiar ways. We wholeheartedly understand the irony in this…
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The PowerPoint Maestros: Consultants have an innate ability to transform even the simplest ideas into a mesmerizing spectacle of slides. Armed with their trusty clickers, they can make the most mundane information appear revolutionary. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting lost in a maze of bullet points and fancy graphics!
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The “It Depends” Chorus: Ask a consultant a straightforward question, and you’ll likely receive an answer that begins with “It depends.” Consultants have a knack for providing responses that require further clarification, leading to a never-ending loop of inquiries. Brace yourself for a journey into the world of possibilities and hypothetical scenarios. Unfortunately, a lot of times as consultants it really does depend, because as our team likes to say, “we make suggestions, you make decisions.”
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The Strategic Elevator Pitchers: Ever met a consultant who can sum up their entire business strategy in the time it takes to ride an elevator? These masters of brevity can condense complex ideas into a few catchy phrases. Just be careful not to get caught in the whirlwind of buzzwords and acronyms–if you hear something that should be simple but makes very little if any sense, you’re stuck in the mucky muck!
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The Suit-and-Tie Enthusiasts: Consultants have a deep affection for their professional attire. Whether it’s a sweltering summer day or a casual office environment, you’ll rarely find a consultant without their perfectly pressed suit, complete with a meticulously knotted tie. They are the embodiment of sartorial dedication, even if they secretly yearn for a more relaxed dress code. We embrace comfort. We dress like the dads we are.
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The Jedi Mind Tricksters: Consultants possess a unique ability to convince you that you desperately need their services, even if you were blissfully unaware of it moments ago. With their persuasive powers and silver tongues, they can make you question your entire business strategy and wonder how you ever survived without their expert guidance. Beware of their Jedi mind tricks!
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The Traveling Nomads: Consultants are known for their jet-setting lifestyles. They gracefully navigate airports and hotels, with frequent flyer miles as their currency. They can tell you the best coffee shops in every city and have mastered the art of living out of a suitcase. Just don’t ask them what their home address is – it’s probably a mystery even to them.
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The Spreadsheet Whisperers: Consultants have an uncanny ability to turn even the most chaotic data into neatly organized spreadsheets. They can make numbers dance and sing, creating mesmerizing charts and graphs that seem to hold the secrets to business success. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself entranced by their mystical Excel wizardry.
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The Coffee Connoisseurs: Consultants run on coffee. It’s their lifeblood, their fuel for late nights and early mornings. They can tell you the best coffee shops within a five-block radius of any office building and are experts at ordering complicated concoctions with double shots and extra foam. Never underestimate the power of caffeine in the hands of a consultant.
